October 2016 – Dad Saloon

Tom Brady is More Attractive than Jimmy Garoppolo

With the return of Tom Brady to action this weekend I thought it a good time to address the brewing controversy stemming from his on-field absence, most notably in the first two games of the season. Of course I’m referring to the raging debate over the attractiveness level of Thomas Brady vs. Jimmy Garoppolo. The seasoned veteran with piercing ~~blue~~ ~~bluish~~ ~~hazel~~ ~~greenish~~ eyes and the up-and-coming dreamboat.

Today, I present irrefutable evidence to put an end to this conversation, and prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Tom Brady is better looking than Jimmy Garoppolo. Anyone who says different is just being stupid and irrational like my wife.

EXHIBIT A – HAIR

JimmyTrump

Not much I can say here in terms of Tom’s hair that hasn’t been said before. Ravishing. Radiant. Silky. The works. Does Jimmy have good lettuce? Yeah, it’s good. Is it great? … umm, yeah, actually it is. Is it “Tom Brady Great?” Not even close.

Edge – Tom Brady

EXHIBIT B – EYES

tomeyescu jimmyskulleyes_2

Tom Brady’s eyes are a color that can best described as brilliant. Are they blue? Sort of. Green? That too. Hazel? Sure, why not…

As for the youngster, Jimmy, this is a really hard category to judge since he is often photographed with squint-y eyes and thus how dreamy or not dreamy they are is difficult to ascertain. Almost like he’s hiding something. hmmmm…

Edge – Tom Brady

EXHIBIT C & D – NOSE & SMILE

I’ll be honest with you here. I was going into this with the full expectation that once again I would be easily giving the nod to Tom Brady on both nose and smile. I mean look at him. Nose and smile you’d kill for. You could sell his snot for it’s medicinal qualities for god’s sake.

But after looking at numerous pictures online, it’s hard to discredit Jimmy’s nose and smile. Guy’s got a great nose an smile. Facts are facts. I’m a fair man. An honest man. For that reason, this is draw.

Edge – DRAW

EXHIBIT E – CHIN

This is where the conversation ends folks. This is where Tom Brady just lays the hammer down on Jimmy Garoppolo. Tom Brady has an absolutely dominating chin. That chin was sculpted from the Mount Olympus granite where Brady was born. Totally unreal.

Edge – Tom Brady in a landslide

CONCLUSION

There you have it. Tom Brady is certifiably more attractive than Jimmy Garopplo. The evidence is overwhelming. Years from now historians will scoff at those who say otherwise – like client change deniers. Sad really. Will you be on the right side of history?

My Preconceived Notions (aka racism?) – Eastern Medicine

One of my favorite comedy bits is Louis CK discussing turning 40. It’s sadly 100% accurate. Spot on. It’s brilliant, funny, and depressing all at the same time. I am planning on updating this blog with the various parts of my shitty body breaking down on me, but for now we’ll just concentrate on my elbow and how it is making me confront some preconceived notions I have… (a.k.a. racism?)

About two months ago I arm wrestled a woman in a bar. Destroyed her. Wasn’t even close. I did it because I’m a big man and this proved it. 100%. Her name was Hillary Clinton. Now how could she possibly be president? Tell me that. Stoopid pinko liberals.

OK, it was a coworker of mine who is also a physical trainer, and she’s really strong. A bunch of us were buzzed at the bar and she was wearing a shirt which came with tickets to the gun show, teaching all us slobs that with hard work, dedication, and inner demons constantly screaming their disapproval at you (has to be true right?) you too can have sculpted arms.

To test just how much power these weapons had, I challenged her to an arm wrestling match obviously. Knowing my arm is about a foot longer than hers, we both knew I would win based on sheer physics, but again, I wanted to test for myself just how strong she was. Very strong is the answer, but I still rattled of the victory.

Unfortunately for me, another colleague walking by during the contest (let’s call him “Popeye” for the sake of the story) saw me rag dolling a damsel in distress and needed to defend her honor. Popeye used to play hockey in college and when we put our forearms next to each other for comparison it was twice the thickness. Tons of girth. Basically the Ron Jeremy of forearms.

Popeye gives me a head start, basically starting the match with his hand 3″ from being pinned, and still proceeds to have his way with me. Using all my might (not much) I couldn’t budge him. He mercifully put me down and we all had more drinks, more laughs, more hookers (wait, what?) and called it a night.

About three days later, my elbow is done with me. Hates my shit, threw all my clothes on the front lawn, called me trash on Facebook, and quit everything. I tried resting it, icing it, all the stupid stuff they tell you to do that doesn’t work because you’re just old now. (See Louis CK above)

I wound up going to a doctor. (See Louis CK above)

So here we are now a couple months later and I’ve decided I’m done with all these new world doctors, and their “science” and their “tested medicine” and their “data” and have decided to give acupuncture a whirl. I don’t actually know anything about acupuncture other than I consider it a million percent fake hippie-dippie baloney medicine, but I do know my insurance will cover it so I’m willing to give it a shot. I mean, free’s free!

BUT NOW I’m realizing I might be racist. While researching “tennis elbow acupuncture” (i.e. watching YouTube) I came across this guy:

Are you kidding me with this? Like I said, I don’t know anything about acupuncture, but I know the acupuncturist has to be Asian. I want my acupuncturist to operate on the 2nd floor of a building in Chinatown, sandwiched between a shop decorating their windows with marinaded duck carcasses on floor 1, and an illegally run opium den on floor 3. Otherwise you’re just getting duped.

So yeah, from the list of approved professionals by insurance provider I chose someone based solely on their ethnicity. Is that wrong? I feel like I’m completely in the right on this. If someone told me they were going for a refreshing pint of Guinness in Ireleand at a pub called Giovanni Romanos, I would think it was an awful decision. How is this any different?

Someday, I will die.

So I had a real swell conversation this morning with a buddy of mine about purchasing term life insurance. I’ve sort of put off said expense for a number of years for no reason in particular. That’s not totally true. I’m lazy. That is the first an foremost reason. I am too lazy to do the adequate research necessary to make an informed decision about the type of investment I need to make to ensure my loved ones are cared for financially in the event of my untimely demise. I’m kind of asshole like that.

Recently, I discovered my workplace actually has life insurance that can be purchased which leaves all the decision making to someone other than myself. I thought “sure. why not?”

So my wife and I fill out a few pages of paperwork and that was that. Not so fast my friends. We got feckin’ denied! We’re 40 and 41 years old. WTF?!

So obviously the insurance carrier thinks we’re a big enough risk to die that they don’t want any part of our disease ridden asses. I’m going to go ahead and blame my wife because I’m in denial, but still, what am I supposed to do as a widower with two kids ages 2 and 9? Huh? Did she ever stop to think about that? Couldn’t she have the decency to wait until the young one was at least 18? And now with this news from the insurance company, I can’t even get in on any of that phat dead spouse cash that everyone is raving about.

Getting old sucks.